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CDC Quarantines Seattle To Prevent Spread Of Highly Infectious Bad Ideas
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CDC Quarantines Seattle To Prevent Spread Of Highly Infectious Bad Ideas

WA — In a desperate bid to isolate highly infectious bad ideas and prevent their spread outside city limits, the CDC officially placed all of Seattle under strict quarantine Thursday.

“It’s clear by this point the absurd brainchildren birthed by city officials have reached a tipping point. The timing is critical in preventing these policies from moving outside Seattle and ravaging other municipalities,” CDC director Robert Redfield said in a statement.

From the doomed head tax, to banning plastic straws, to Ping-Pong tables being proposed as a solution to crime in Pioneer Square, it’s clear Seattle is a veritable hotbed for obnoxious, irrational policies capable of spreading geometrically if left unchecked.

“Some of these proposals are heavily resistant to all forms of standard treatment, leaving isolation and containment as our only hope against this virulent scourge.”

At publishing time, the CDC had enacted a similar quarantine around the state capitol building as well.