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Everyone on edge as coffee filter replacement takes longer than expected

SEATTLE — Tensions continued to sharply mount as staff entered their fifth straight day without any coffee filters, sources reported of an office in Seattle.

“Nobody here has had access to precious, rage-averting coffee for the better part of a week,” said one worker, clenching a baseball bat with nails protruding from it.

Other workers, some patrolling their cubicles with various sharp implements, explained that the person normally responsible for coffee filter replacement had been on vacation for the last several days.

“Mike just left us without ensuring we had sufficient filters to stave off our growing anger. We simply don’t have the coffee we need to put up with each other,” described another worker.

Numerous attempts at jury-rigging some sort of crude replacement filter only resulted in staff becoming more desperate and short-tempered.

At press time, no actual bloodshed had been reported, but sources indicate Mike might be gone for at least another week.