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Experts: Probably Healthier To Submerge Head In Vat Swarming With Angry Electric Eels Than Go Outside Right Now
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Experts: Probably Healthier To Submerge Head In Vat Swarming With Angry Electric Eels Than Go Outside Right Now

WA — Putting to words what most people already know, area climate experts are urging residents to abstain from going outside for any reason, explaining they’ll probably be healthier if they instead submerged their heads into a vat swarming with angry electric eels.

“Air quality right now is pretty similar to what you’d see if you were standing in the middle of an erupting volcano, so it’s no surprise there are healthier options for your health and well-being,” said lead climatologist Richard Masse, speaking to members of the press.

Masse added that placing oneself at the mercy of a ferocious horde of dangerous marine life is largely preferable to the debilitating and serious health effects that come with breathing wildfire smoke.

“All we know is that this air better clear up soon. I’m not advocating immersing yourself with a couple dozen members of the electrophorus electricus species, but soon we may not have a choice.”

At press time, Mass was reportedly seen loading a new 75 gallon fish tank from PetSmart into the back of his truck.