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God Issues Friendly Reminder To Seattle That He’ll Never Again Destroy City With Flood, But Other Options Remain On Table

HEAVEN — In an unmistakably firm show of resolve, God Himself promised Saturday to never again destroy Seattle in a deluge of watery judgement, but at the same time, declined to rule out other potential avenues of destruction.

“The two rainbows seen arching across the Emerald City over the weekend were the Father’s reminder to the people of Seattle that at no point will future judgement come about by aquatic means,” said a spokesman from heaven, in a statement to press.

The angelic spokesman cautioned, however, that just because the rainbow was originally given by God as a sign that he’d never again destroy mankind by flooding the planet, other methods, such as 100-pound hailstones or continent destroying earthquakes, were not precluded.

“Nothing else is technically excluded, really. Just water.”

The spokesman went on to say that because of this, the next rainstorm to batter Western Washington most likely won’t be a sign of impending doom — instead, just look for a rainbow.

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