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Heartbreaking: Local lawn can’t play with kids, blames old man who keeps yelling at them

KENT, Wash. — A suburban lawn is crestfallen after numerous attempts by children to play on it were thwarted by a local curmudgeon.

“Every time they’d come over and be on me, I’d be happy that I was fulfilling my purpose for existing,” said the patch of ground cover in a statement.

Neighborhood children made several attempts to play on the lawn, according to neighborhood sources.

“Every time the kids went over to the lawn,” said one resident, “the old sourpuss would yell at them to get off of it.”

The lawn explained it didn’t understand why children weren’t allowed to play on it.

“Aren’t lawns meant to be enjoyed, rather than trimmed with shears several times a day?”

At press time, the old man had not responded to requests for comment.

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