SEATTLE — Bearing the stoic attitude only a true survivor can mantle, newly elected Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan cited her narrow escape from an enormous flying reptile as crucial in preparing her for the city’s toughest job posting.
“I know a lot of people think giant pterosaurs are a thing of the past, but let me assure you that our efforts to eradicate them have been sorely lacking,” said Durkan, adding that prehistoric reptile attacks on humans have increased a startling 268% in the last decade.
Durkan credited quick thinking and a “calm, measured composure” as instrumental in preventing herself from being eaten, noting that most others are not so fortunate.
“This experience has made me the person I am today. Seriously, escaping certain death with only a small spade and two rubber bands leaves no doubt that Seattleites made the right decision in November. It shows I’m just the kind of leader Seattle needs to fight back against this menace.”
Durkan went on to say that as mayor, she will work with city council members to enact policies designed to bring the local pterosaur population more in line with national averages.