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Last Trapped Black Friday Shopper Escapes Lynnwood Target’s Smoldering Rubble Heap

LYNNWOOD, Wash. — The last Black Friday shopper still trapped under the twisted, looted rubble pile of what was once the Lynnwood Target has finally tunneled her way up to safety, according to reports.

“We saw an arm and shopping bag triumphantly shoot out from the crumbled blocks and warped rebar,” said witness Jamie Bates, adding that buried shoppers have been observed emerging since the store’s implosion last Friday.

Several witnesses told reporters that the store collapsed in on itself as crazed deal-hunters hollowed out its innards, even ripping out wiring, bathroom fixtures, and load-bearing structural beams.

“It seems like every year Americans mark the start of the holiday season by pillaging and razing some local department store,” another witness observed.

At publishing time, the woman had begun frantically digging back down for her other, still buried bag.

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