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Local News Outlets Promise At Least A Pinch Of Soul-Crushing Despair In Every Story

SEATTLE — Yielding to overwhelming demand, several Seattle area news media outlets pledged to weave at least a small amount of joy-sucking despondency into every report.

“We understand that our viewers and readers simply have too much good news in their lives. We aim to change that,” said a representative, adding that even cute, fluffy stories about bunnies wouldn’t be spared in the new effort.

The representative explained that in relative short order, all news anchors and personalities would be replaced with cheerless, dour, old men.

“We really want people who would smack your hands with a ruler if you even thought about cracking a smile.”

At press time, previously published articles that generated too many happy thoughts were already being pulled and rewritten.