ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Tired of suffering from stacks of dirty dishes, discarded pizza boxes, and socks that might be clean or might be dirty, local sluggard Ed Richards announced Thursday he intends to reform his slovenly ways.
“Those two days I spent trapped under a collapsed beer bottle pyramid gave me a lot of time to think,” said Richards, adding that the glass structure has since been repurposed as a general purpose recycling bin filler.
Richards explained he’s happy that at 38, and on his own for almost 2 years, he will now be able clean up after himself like most others his age.
“There comes a time to finally heed your girlfriend’s nitpicking about the biodiversity of your fridge,” Richards stated, noting his bittersweet feelings over throwing away its moderately expired contents.
At press time, Richards was seen tossing used paper plates out of his living room window like little frisbees of food-encrusted grossness.