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Mariners harness sophisticated time manipulation device to retrieve venerable players from bygone eras

Mariners Harness Powerful Arcane Summoning Circle To Retrieve Venerable Players From Bygone Eras

SEATTLE — Hoping to bring fresh life into one of the Seattle region’s most beloved franchises, Mariners manager Scott Servais, sources say, finally received approval to use the team’s powerful arcane summoning circle to pluck legendary Mariners from the past and incorporate them directly into this season’s roster.

“With Felix not one hundred percent yet, we could really use the Big Unit back on the mound. So let’s start with him,” said Servais, completing the final set of evocative chants demanded by the powerful spirit beings who would be aiding in the retrieval task.

Several minutes later, after the alabaster jar of olive oil had been poured onto the sacrificial catcher’s mitt and set aflame, a series of bright, multi-colored flashes illuminated the dimly lit summoning chamber. As the flashes increased in intensity and speed, the very fabric of space itself seemed to tear open in a massive release of magical energy that sent Servais sprawling backward.

Simply standing there within the now calm summoning circle was none other than the 1992 version of Randy Johnson, glove and ball in hand, fully prepared to deliver 100-mph fastballs and a unique, late-breaking slider he had once called “Mr. Snappy”.

After dismissing Johnson to go warm up in the Mariners bullpen, Servais remarked, “I already brought one outfielder back on-board with Ichiro. Why stop there?”

Once the Mariners manager completed the elaborate ritual’s motions for a second time, a 1994 version of Ken Griffey, Jr. gingerly stepped out from the circle, eager to send ball after ball deep into crowd-filled stands.

According to multiple reports, the team’s ranks swelled as more players from previous years were brought forth for use in the 2018 season, including a younger Jay Buhner, a competitive A-Rod that hadn’t left Seattle for hordes of Texas cash yet, and most impressively, almost the entire 1995 season line up.