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New Evidence Suggests Vast Pike Place Medium Roast Reserves Beneath Seattle Larger Than Previously Thought
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New Evidence Suggests Vast Pike Place Medium Roast Reserves Beneath Seattle Larger Than Previously Thought

SEATTLE — Saying it was the most surprising finding in quite some time, new evidence released by University of Washington researchers suggests that the vast Pike Place Medium Roast reserves beneath Seattle are significantly larger than previously believed.

“We already knew that Seattle is basically the Saudi Arabia of bold, richly flavored underground coffee reserves, but we were shocked when the data showed 58% more of the drink than what we were expecting,” said head researcher Dr. Robert Muniz, adding that with the size of these stores, the caffeinated beverage is sometimes known to percolate up and pool into steaming, flavorful puddles practically ready to pour into a cup.

“We’re easily looking at several billion Venti size drinks’ worth of it — an amount that, if responsibly collected, could potentially ease prices at the pot by quite a bit.”

At press time, measures to ramp up extraction of the substance from beneath the earth were largely stymied by local anti-coffee groups.