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NFL Under Fire For Harsh Treatment Of Gentle, Blimp-Like Creatures That Inhabit Team Stadiums

NEW YORK — In light of the growing chorus of voices demanding immediate action, the National Football League received strong criticism Monday for its inhumane treatment of the peaceful, blimp-like creatures known to inhabit its football stadiums.

“These docile beings are completely harmless to players on the field, yet they still see some of the cruelest treatment imaginable,” said animal rights activist Eric Gautrey, adding that every Sunday, along with some Mondays and Thursdays as well, one of them is singled out to be kicked, thrown, batted down, and otherwise manhandled by dozens of men for several hours.

“It’s an insufferable thing as millions watch these creatures be exploited for every touchdown, punt, catch, or field goal. And what’s worse is that the NFL profits handsomely handsomely each time one of them is abused. This should’ve been stopped a long time ago.”

Gautrey went on to say that while he would prefer the animals to simply be excluded from any further play, he could live with the NFL adopting softer, more humane ways of still incorporating them into the sport.

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