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Non-Violent May Day Demonstrations Erupt Across Seattle
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Non-Violent May Day Demonstrations Erupt Across Seattle

SEATTLE — Like a bubbling pot that finally boils over from the red-hot heating element beneath it, May Day demonstrations throughout Seattle turned tragically peaceful, according to eyewitness and first responder reports.

“The horrific scene of all those tame and orderly marches will be forever seared into my brain. That kind of dullery isn’t just something you can unsee, you know,” said event attendee Jim Evans, still visibly shaken after narrowly dodging a friendly handshake.

Evans noted that not even a single pane of glass had been smashed to bits as group after group walked by, instead, each merely chanted slogans and waved colorful signs back and forth.

“These non-violent demonstrators just make the city look like it’s filled with reasonable, decent people who have enough civility to not grab the first couch they see and torch it.”

Evans went on to ask what the once great city of Seattle was coming to.