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Promising Plan To Curtail Gun Violence Simply Asks Criminals To Turn In Their Pieces Before Committing Crimes With Them

SEATTLE — Saying it was their most ambitious strategy to address the epidemic of gun violence yet, Seattle City Council members unveiled a radical plan Friday to nicely ask violent, hardened criminals to turn in their unlawful firearms before they used them to commit a crime.

“We know we’re kind of asking a lot here. But we really think that if just asked nicely, these otherwise decent people will simply hand over all the guns they plan to threaten, shoot, and murder people with. Just wait for it and see,” said a spokesman for the council, adding that this kind of strategy really should have been put into place years ago.

“Our city’s criminals have an excellent track record of obeying the law. That’s why we’re all convinced this whole thing will work splendidly.”

At publishing time, scores of pugnacious thugs, rapists, and murderers were reportedly lining up to willingly relinquish their weapons to law enforcement.

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