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Smoldering, Burnt-to-a-crisp Holiday Hams To Be Exempt From Local Burn Bans

SEATTLE — Hoping to placate environmentally conscious culinary procrastinators living throughout the region, the Puget Sound Clean Air Agency reportedly said it would be loosening its rules on whether or not to allow torched, blackened hunks of Christmas meat to count against air quality this year.

“We feel it’s time to recognize that a sizable portion of Puget Sound residents will inevitably incinerate their Christmas dinners as they attempt to rapidly cook meat at dangerously unsafe temperatures,” said a spokesman for the agency, adding that December 25th is the busiest day of the year for fire departments because of this very practice.

“When grandma pulls out that dessicated, still-flaming ham that’s only been in the oven for 28 minutes, we want people to be free from the guilt of knowing they’re helping to make our air quality among the worst in the nation.”

At press time, the Puget Sound Clean Air Agency was also considering the accommodation of those clueless saps who leave kitchen utensils in hot pans and melt them.

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