SEATTLE — Crediting the staying of its demise to Seattle’s recent tax on sugary drinks, a trembling Mountain Dew can breathed an inward sigh of relief after a shopper passed it over for an untaxed, sugar-free bottle of water instead.
“I thought I was done for when this guy’s outstretched hand came my way, but the high cost of sucking out my sugary lifeblood must have made him think again,” said the visibly shaken pop can, adding that since January 1st, deaths of sugary drinks, usually ending with its container’s empty, lifeless husk being discarded into the nearest recycling bin, had plummeted city wide.
“I know this tax is pretty controversial, but I personally couldn’t be more thankful for it. That extra 1.75 cents an ounce probably saved my life today. I just feel bad for the water bottle, though.”
The carbonated beverage, eager to see other sugary concoctions spared from their own grisly fates, went on to say it hopes that efforts to make the soda tax statewide were successful.