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This Year, Woman Most Thankful For Family, Opportunity To Bludgeon Relatives’ Wrong Political Views

FEDERAL WAY, Wash. — In keeping with personal Thanksgiving tradition, Federal Way resident, Jessica Lakes, expressed what she’s truly thankful for this year: her family, and the opportunity to lay waste to wrongheaded political ideologies.

“This time of year, I have a personal tradition of being thankful for every opposing political opinion I beat to death,” said the woman, in a statement to the press.

Lakes explained that for her and her family, fierce governmental policy debate is what the holiday, traditionally affiliated with the giving of thanks, is truly about.

“That is, after all, why the first Thanksgiving was held. The Pilgrims wanted to lord their superior reasoning over everyone else gathered. They were truly thankful for how right they were.”

Lakes added that contrary to oft-repeated historical knowledge, the first Thanksgiving had nothing to do with thanking God for his bountiful provision and blessing.